Reading: E.L. Konigsburg, The Second Mrs. Giaconda

Moving: 30' at level 15 ("fat burner") on the elliptical trainer with two 2 lb. handweights and a full weight circuit. Heart rate unknown, but probably over 150 on average.

2 February 2000

Last night we went to the Vesta Dipping Grill again. RDC had tenderloin; I had duck. One of his dipping sauces, a yellow curry, complemented the rare beef like its long-lost twin. One of mine, a dried berry chutney, brought out flavors in that duck Mrs. Mallard never dreamt of in her philosophy. I mention this only because I felt extremely proud of myself for not eating all of it (yes, I also felt wasteful). I didn't eat all of it, the succulent, flavorful, rich pink fowl, because I was full. I didn't continue to eat all of it just because it was there. I mention Mrs. Mallard because I wonder if Robert McCloskey ate duck after writing Make Way for Ducklings. I figure he probably ate blueberries after writing Blueberries for Sal. I say "dreamt of in her philosophy" because I just read my last unread Edward Eager book, The Time Garden, in which two characters visit London in the late 16th century and run into Elizabeth I, who drops Shakespearean lines well before the playwright wrote them--but the children still ask Sir Walter Drake, not her, if he, not she, wrote the plays.

Then we went to the Pub on Pearl to meet other old-and-in-the-way doctoral students: two others from RDC's year, another even older than that, and one somewhat younger (programwise). RDC asked SPM for a restaurant recommendation in Portland Oregon, where he'll be later this week. SPM drooled about a restaurant specializing in local freshwater crayfish but then I rained on that parade by asking if crayfish are in season right now. They're not. Also RDC said something about his hotel room having a water view and I, still precipitating, pointed out that any hotel in Portland in February is likely to have a water view because rain you can see from any window.

Anyway. My belly and I are not in the mood to go work out today--one reason duck's so good is that it's so high in fat--and a coworker, newly appointed as the voice of my conscience, told me about a statistic he'd read in Psychology Today or somesuch about how most people peter out four weeks into any given activity. I'll show him. I'll go later today, maybe just before I leave for the day. That "I'll show him" is a pretty powerful motivator.

And I need one. Yesterday I went to a step class and proved what I have long suspected, that step is a much harder workout than machines. Or that I push myself harder in a class. I could slow my pace: not use my arms, use fewer risers, whatever. On the elliptical I can't--don't?--push my heartrate much over 160 and average in the 140 or '50s, but yesterday--when I could look at the watch at all--my heartrate was over 170, sustained, and probably peaked over 175. That's Wrong and allegedly Dangerous; in the decrepitude of age 31 I am allowed to max out at 85% of 220 minus 31, or 160.65. I want to continue doing step a couple of times a week; if this class is typical it's much better than at the city rec center, but to be Prudent I should develop my aerobic strength first, so I can perform a step class without going over my maximum.

So today I am sore and need motivation. "I'll show my coworker--mleah!" is much more powerful than "That was exquisite duck last night." Tomorrow the Y is conducting repairs of its water system and will have no hot water: I'm getting my hair cut instead.

I don't know why this coworker is such a good voice of conscience. We josh around a lot, which helps. But it's not as if he's svelte. He's kind of marsupial (with a pouch) to the point that his brother gives him a hard time. I had one question for him when he told me that: "Can you play with your kids as much as you and they want you to?" (They're four and nearly two.) He said yes. I say he's fine. My other coworker voice of conscience activates herself after Daylight Savings Time, when I'm meant to ride my bike to work.

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Okay. The Color Quiz, for which I can't get a link right now because I've been kicked offline because Earthlink hates me, censored:

Your Existing Situation
Acts calmly, with the minimum of upset, in order to handle existing relationships. Likes to feel relaxed and at ease with her associates and those close to her.

True.

Your Stress Sources
Feels trapped in a disagreeable situation and powerless to remedy it. Angry and disgruntled as she doubts that she will be able to achieve her goals and frustrated almost to the point of nervous prostration. Wants to get away, feel less restricted, and free to make her own decisions.

I readily get frustrated in any situation I give a damn about. Infuriated even. And I didn't plan to live in the desert either.

Your Restrained Characteristics

• Willing to become emotionally involved and is able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. Oh yes. Emotionally I'm open to anyone, whether their intent is malicious or beneficent.
• Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in her choice of a partner and in her relations with those close to her. My sister says I have extremely high and exacting standards for people and am unforgiving when someone doesn't live up to those standards. This is true.
• Needs reassurance and is careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes. Despite my demanding standards for everyone else, I myself am thin-skinned. But I don't deserve to be. Holden Caulfield described me as sensitive as a goddamn toilet seat. Or was that that kid whose mother he met on the train? Whatever.

Your Desired Objective
Wants to make a favorable impression and be rewarded as a special personality. Is therefore constantly on the watch to see whether she is succeeding in this and how others are reacting to her. This makes her feel that she is in control. Uses tactics cleverly in order to obtain influence and special recognition. Susceptible to the esthetic or original. Aesthetics--stroke me, baby. Original, always (especially in my spelling). Highly desirous of being liked. And I like it when people think I'm a "special personality" but I like me best when I'm just being me and not trying to be anyone or anything else. "Uses tactics cleverly in order to obtain influence and special recognition" makes me sound like a manipulative person, which I hope I never am unconsciously and which I don't recall ever being deliberately, at least not since I began the lifelong introspection that my journal is, 15 years ago.

Your Actual Problem
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be. Yeah. What really gets me is this one line: "She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be." That's the clincher. That's why I believe it.

All of my escapes, rewriting my life in fiction, deliberately presenting only select aspects of myself online (and lots of others between the lines), the entire escribitionist community-or-not, and all the otherwheres I've drawn to the last detail since I was in sixth grade.

Your Actual Problem #2
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others. That's me. Charming as fuck. See? And articulate as well. I do avoid criticism (positive or negative) wherever possible and I chafe at any restriction.

Below:

I don't care if statistically it's about as useful as an horoscope. I don't care if psychologically it's weakly supported and if clinically it wouldn't hold water with a bucket. It works. And I didn't censor any of it.