Speaking ConfidentiallyWhen I considered writing essentially private content for on-line posting, I thought I would write what I want to write and then edit it for on-line publication. That doesn't happen. I focus on the eventual posting even while still mulling one topic or another. I pause too much while worrying about composing to be understood instead of writing to understand myself. So I censor myself before my fingers touch the keyboard. And I edit myself badly unless at a remove of a measure of time (which measure can be hours or days or longer). That never bothered me until I went public: I understand me, my private correspondents mostly do, and when I compile ideas over time, I can tidy up my rambling. And I don't write however I write and then edit. I censor my ideas but leave my various misspellings, mangled syntax, and foggy meaning. Which is about the opposite of what I intended to happen.
As a result, I hate what I've been producing.
It's trite, superficial, sanitized, and almost wholly stripped of lisa idiolect and signature lisa leaps of faith. I had thought that pushing to write something every day would be a welcome form of self-discipline, but my writing, style, or understanding can hardly improve with drivel.
This doesn't mean I permit myself not to write. It means the writing I need to do should be private so I don't disgust myself with it, so I feel freer to express myself however the letters and words fall, so I can still mock whomever I wish to mock without fearing karmic retribution, so I can wander off on wherever my mind leads me without worrying about tying up tangents, so I can write what I think and feel without imagining how the outside world might receive the my inner workings of my mind.
So there.
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Last modified 5 February 1998
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