Speaking Confidentially: 6 October 1997

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treePacking, unpacking, and making exciting underwear

Only the former two have happened at work in the last week, making Dot Org the fourth of the seven, give or take, offices I have worked in that I have moved. Scheduling wasn't a complete move, but a half-move for three weeks twice a year for the seven I worked there; offices at Millstone were always moving but happily not during my summers; LRI moved just before I started temping there; I did move MetraHealth Marketing almost single-handedly; C&A didn't (making moving almost the only humiliation I did not suffer there); and ATK was fairly painless as I was directly responsible only for my own area. At Dot Org I packed my supervisor's office, as she was out of the office, the central files and library, and my own cube. But I did it over several days.

Today I unpacked the library and my supervisor's office in a fraction of the time it had taken me to box it (that's a bad metaphor; unpacking in 7/8 the time it took to pack wouldn't be impressive), but I was grumpy. Grumpiness, fretfulness, and most kinds of emotional malaise dissipate the fastest and healthiest with physical energy.

treeBetrayal

EA's mother taped me, unbeknownst to me, as part of a child psychology class she was doing for her nursing degree. Color me betrayed. And I had liked Mrs. A, too. Anyway, she let me read what she had written (which did make me feel better); one bit was about how I cleaned my room when I was angry. She assumed I did it to restore order to my life when it was turbulent. Stupid grown-up. I did it so I wouldn't have to beat anybody up.

<ASIDE> (relatively)

Also Mrs. A played me the tape she'd made. She had to have asked interview questions, but that bit I don't remember. Of the tape I remember only my pronunciation of "worst" (modifying "taste," as in that of the solution that bound my caps to my front teeth, after a fall off the jungle gym in third grade). Probably because of backward jump off a deck into a swimming pool the summer before third grade that resulted in three stitches to my chin, my lower jaw was misaligned. Speech therapy had corrected my l, s, th, and I don't know what other letters, but only the eventual realignment of my jaw corrected my post-vowel r. Inside my head I sounded fine; but this was the first time I heard myself outside my head, and as the tape showed, my "worst" was "wust."

</ASIDE>

treeSoundtrack

So I unpacked. That helped my mood. Also I had remembered to bring music with me and so I listened to that during lunch: the most recent of three autobiographical tapes I have made. It chronicles descent into a long blue period and my rising out of it; it is an excellent way to draw myself out of a similar, if not as desperate, mood.

 Extreme

 More Than Words

The blue period began with my breaking up with someone and regretting it

 Peter Gabriel

Don't Break This Rhythm

Despite the breaking up, I didn't want the friendship to end

 Eric Clapton

Promises

However, it did

 Indigo Girls

 Uncle John's Band

I saw the Indigo Girls that summer. They didn't sing this, but this song is a paean to peace and joy, which I needed

 Joni Mitchell

Don't Interrupt the Sorrow

Then I got worse

 James

Your Next Lover

Then I met a lust-object

 They Might Be Giants

Birdhouse in Your Soul

Then I met ABW

 Cowboy Junkies

Cheap Is How I Feel

Then I did something stupid

 Jesus Jones

Are You Satisfied?

No

 Laurie Anderson

Smoke Rings

Introspective, a bit mournful

 Cat Stevens

 Sad Lisa

 Was I ever

Cowboy Junkies

 Sweet Jane

"Anyone who ever had a heart wouldn't turn around and break it"

 Animal Logic

 Spy in the House of Love

 Me and Anaïs Nin, baby

 k.d. lang

 Outside Myself

"Any feeling I've had is close to gone"

 Tori Amos

 Crucify

 I was trying to stop

 k.d. lang

 Constant Craving

 A year is a long time

 Annie Lennox

 Walking on Broken Glass

 I was getting better, but I felt like Eustace being peeled by Aslan (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)

 Waterboys

  Stolen Child

My ex-lover sang "More Than Words" with his current lover at the same event I recited this; the event marked the weekend of my finally being better (You'll notice that the tape begins focusing on him and ends focusing on me: another sign of being Better)

 Love & Rockets

  So Alive

 Finally, I say

 Waterboys

  This Is the Sea

 "It's yours if you hurry; you've got still enough time."

So I felt much better after listening to that. Also I wrote a letter to DEW; I try to write her a few times a month. Also today I wore the shirt I finally found to replace a nearly nine-year-old Perfect White Shirt that is now still Perfect except Worn and Delicate. Excellent unpacking garb, mind you. But I was glad to be so continuously reminded I had found it.

Denver is really beautiful in the autumn, so the weather helped my mood.

Plus Dot Org seems to like me.

When I got home I had lots of email from DEDBG, which I didn't respond to as fully as she deserves, and I took a walk. Both are Good Things.

treeAnd all the world is biscuit-shaped; it's just for me to feed my face.

HAO has given me Upsy Daisy, a best-of compilation of XTC. I listened to it on my walk. I am glad to have "Senses Working Overtime," which I haven't had since I (probably stupidly) gifted away my vinyl English Settlement. The only other XTC I know is from Oranges and Lemons. I don't think Upsy Daisy will inspire me to fill in the holes of my XTC collection, but I was pleased to listen to "Mayor of Simpleton" and just grin with remembered pleasure instead of bitter regret. (In addition to "More Than Words," SSP sang "Mayor" on the above occasion. I knew I was Better because I was happy for him that he had found someone who inspired him to sing, not just play his guitar, in public. When you can be happy that your ex- has found someone better for him than you were, you are Recovered and Over. Particularly and maybe only if he has done so before you.)

Also on my walk, I saw a magpie, western flickers, and a bunny (I have missed bunnies); met a red Golden Retriever named Dusty, two Labs who were too busy to stop to chat, another Lab who was very happy to meet me (walking is an excellent source of canine RDA), and other, lesser dogs; and finally saw in the mountains the four levels of mountains that Willa Cather mentions in Song of the Lark. Hitherto I had only ever seen three.

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Last modified 7 October 1997

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