Thursday, 20 October 2005

advice, in five parts

If in morning bleariness you slosh orange juice into your cereal bowl and realize this a split second later, do not shrug this mistake off and finish with your regular liquid just because soy milk might tolerate this better than dairy milk. Just because it won't be as gross doesn't mean that it won't still be gross. Start over, even if you feel guilty for wasting a second bowl of cereal in one week since earlier this week you dropped the travel mug full of cereal you were bringing to work because you were late.

If you once thought it was cute to let your pet share your cereal bowl because his species doesn't have saliva and is very small, don't succumb to the temptation because eventually (i.e., the very next morning) the pet will assume this is the Way Things Ought to Be and insist on eating out of your bowl and turn his beak up at the exact same cereal you just removed from your bowl and put in his dish because of course the mere fact of the food's leaving the bowl means it is not as good.

If you are enslaved to a creature 1/757th your size who insists on sharing your bowl, you can perhaps deceive him by tapping your spoon against his dish as if depositing a fresh portion of your food therein. Because he is only 1/757th your size, it will take him long enough to prance over to his dish, examine it, and turn his beak up at it again that you will have time to take a spoonful or two on your own before he returns.

If you are late to work again (cf earlier this week) because the convenience of using the car has gone somewhat to your head, do not expect to rise from the breakfast table in any sort of timely fashion when your pet has found the Exact Right Spot among the folds of your fleece robe to take his post-breakfast nap and is now compressed in body but enfluffed in plumage in his most irresistible manner such that getting up would Inconvenience him and wrench your heart.

If you and your pet are accustomed to snuggle while one of you watches television and the other has his pre-bedtime preen-and-nap, consider watching something less convulsively funny than "Shaun of the Dead." Your pet will not appreciate his perch (your person) rollicking and braying with mirth.