Well. This is a fine how-d'ye-do. From Pop Culture Junk Mail I learned about a site that uses facial regognition software to compare your face to those in a database of celebrity photographs and shows you the top 10 matches. I tried my Dot Org staff photograph from 1999, Haitch's wedding in 2004, Amsterdam 2005, and a short-hair experiment from last week (lots of pins). I know I don't have a girly face and that suits me fine, but holy shit, I don't know whether to call the software malicious or faulty or to draw a veil over the rest of my life.
The strongest resemblance the software found for the 1999 photograph was to John Goodman, at 64%. Jesus Christ! Which is an exclamation, not another match. We both squint when we smile, fine. Next, at 63%, Martin Scorsese--I didn't start waxing my eyebrows until 2000. Of the ten matches, not one of them was to a woman. I don't know who Christian Barnard, Lothau Mathaus, and Benjamin McKenzie are. But Adrien Brody? I'm sorry to say that my eyes are nothing like his, and glad to say that my nose is also nothing like his.
The least flattering of the other photographs, from last week, produced Holly Marie Combs first, at 68%. No idea who that is. Then Susan Sarandon! This might explain RDC's attraction to me, since his mother bears a strong resemblance to her; but in her it's the prominent, expressive eyes and in me it's the square jaw. Susan Sontag! There's a woman I'd like to resemble, even though I haven't read a drop by her. Alberto Santos-Dumont, whoever that is. A flattering photograph of Joan Cusack, which is problematic because to the extent I resemble his sister, John Cusack will probably not prostrate himself at my feet in adoration. (Interesting: it seems I think resemblance to a parent is attractive in a mate, but not resemblance to a sibling.) Ingrid Bergman! Life is worth living again! Preity Zinka? No idea who that is, someone from Bollywood whose trademark IMDb says is her dimples, which I don't have. Robin Gibb? Not sure whether that's a man or a woman. Aha, a man, in a "Transamerica" kind of way. Cate Blanchett! Robin Wright Penn!
A photograph of me in Amsterdam last year shows off my resemblance to my father. Does it ever: Martin Scorsese again at 70%. No women at all. Two fat men, though: Babe Ruth and Bill Clinton. Also, hooray! Kirk Douglas, in a recent, not Spartacus-era, photograph. Again, no women at all.
The picture for which I had the greatest hopes, of me at Haitch's wedding in 2004. Rubens Barichello? H. David Politzer? Benjamin McKenzie? James Horner? Roman Abramovich? I have no idea who any of these people are. Zamfir?! There really is a master of the Pan flute? Also, Haley Joel Osment, and two pictures from maybe the early '80s, Debra Winger and Sigourney Weaver. That last I can live with.
Susan Sarandon and Ingrid Bergman and Cate Blanchett and only two men out of 10 might mean that perhaps last week's is not the least flattering photograph of the four, but that's just too damn bad. I'd rather like how I look, Martin Scorsese or not.
So glad that's over with. Maybe one day I'll read it actually, but for now I have listened to it, metaphorically holding it away from myself dangling from my fingertips because ick, Frederick Davidson in a Blackstone production was just as bad throughout as I dreaded at the start. Now I am clearing my brain with Aimee Mann.